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| She listened intently... sitting with legs crossed in a feminine manner and a frappuccino in her hand. She absorbed every information that came from her recipient's mouth. As always, the strong aroma of coffee invaded her senses when words were not spoken. Her eyes wandered off as she reluctantly absorbed the thoughts that were spoken by the person sitting on front of her. She played her role flawlessly - nodding, giving small chuckles, and asking questions whenever necessary. It was a role she was far too familiar with throughout her years of growing up. She smiled and made jokes. The recipient's eyes flashed with a tinge of contentment, thinking she was genuinely interested in the conversation. Person continued on with more enthusiasm - the girl knew she had successfully fooled her conversationalist. She smiled. And laughed. Both parties knew... She shifted in her seat and curled a strand of hair behind her ear. She smiled. And laughed. From the very beginning, there was already a discomfort in the atmosphere.
Both naively ignored it. Her mind was blank. She bit the bottom of her lip to keep her busy as she listened to the recipient's tale. She couldn't afford to be vulnerable. Because that moment of a nano-second would invite all sorts of emotions to flood her.
That couldn't happen. Words were exchanged amongst the two and once again there it was... She smiled. And then laughed. There goes that uncomfortable sensation.
It stung. A sharp pain. Like icicles piercing one's heart.
Cold and relentless. She set her drink on the table and played with a napkin. The recipient continued, as if unashamed by the words that were said. Person coldlessly spoke, disregarding the feelings of the girl. But she was suddenly conscious of her behavior. She knew what was going on - it was to elicit a particular response from her. To elicit jealousy.
She maintained her ground. She was never going to submit to such type of provocation.
Instead, she bitterly slipped sarcastic remarks into the conversation. What better way to preserve one's own ego? She did it again. Smiled. And then laughed. Then a phonecall interrupted the tension and she leaned back into the wooden chair. Her muscles relaxed as she allowed the recipient to take the call. Higher tone in voice. Shifting in seat. Crossing legs. Leaning back against the chair with the cellphone held against one ear. The giddy-guilt facial expression said it all. She knew. She knew. The responses that the recipient gave to the caller confirmed her suspicions. She smirked to herself in arrogance as she knew she had won the battle.
Yet "it" lingered.. The recipient hung up and one question was asked by the smirking girl, "That was her, wasn't it?" The recipient shifted uncomfortably in the chair as the giddy-guilt expression disappeared and revealed shame - like the shame when a child is caught stealing a cookie. She slowly shook her head and laughed disbelievingly. The recipient was now awkward, suddenly having no words to provide to her. She sat there with one hand on the table, fingering the tiny trash with her thumb and index finger. Regardless of the small chatter, the soft jazz song playing in the background, the overwhelming aroma of bitter coffee, and the resounding noise of the constant blending of ice, it was all silenced. She entered her own world as she absorbed what was transpiring and the silence deafened her. Her mind shunned all thoughts, but her subconscious aborbed it all. The fidgety movement, the arrogant laughs, the suddenly cold body temperature - they were all manifestations of the brokenness that she desperately wanted to fight. This was the moment she was waiting for - three women now... that she has been replaced with.
This was the type of brokenness that she needed to feel after a year of cloudiness. Finally, finally she can let go. Even if it was out of reluctance, there was no more hesitation.
This is what needs to be done. She already knew. She prepared for it. She knew it all. Yet upon encountering it she was still crushed... as if she had never known anything at all.
__________________________________ Dedicated to a special someone.
You inspired me to write again after a year of neglecting this blog.
I may not update as often as I used to, but I definitely have not forgotten about my precious site.
May the thoughts on this blog leave a piece of me to you.** | | |
| HAHA SURPRIIIIIIIIIISE! Guess what, I'M STILL ALIVE! Sowwy guys... whoever reads this and to my faithful readers. I know i've come to a stop but.. it's only because I got lazy. I GOT SUPER LAZY UPDATING and it was like.. well, what's there to talk about these days, ya' know? BUT IT'S ALRIGHT. BECAUSE LIFE HAS GONE ON. AND GUESS WHAT... HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL! MERRY NEW YEARS TO YOU ALL! haha And MERRY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Yep! Those are the new updates so far. Christmas... i've learned to HATE that awful holiday. Why? It's such a shame. It's only because the meaning of Christmas (CHRIST) is totally gone and it's just a busy holiday and an excuse for people to go buying gifts and get stressed out and ... yuck. Not my style. The busy life might seem like a lot of fun to some people, but to me, it's just ugly. I didn't do any shopping much (i don't work =P) and... i tagged along with my boyfriend and some cousins when they went shopping and.. WOO. It's exhausting. And it's fuckin' ANNOYING. So many people are just in your face and they're just... EVERYWHERE. Traffic. Crowded. Goodness. NOT a good place for an introvert to be. SOOOO in the end, i learned at the end of the year 2010 that i HATE Christmas. =P that's so sad. But that doesn't mean i don't like the Christmas songs. I loooove the Christmas songs. AND HEY, a new year! 2011 eh.....? I'd say we're getting closer to 2012, so i guess that means the clock is ticking 'til we hit the end of the world.... lol or so they say. That'd really be a shame. Somehow, i remain a skeptic in terms of 2012 being the end of the world but.. either way, i'll still enjoy life. And yeah. It's a little depressing to think that the world will end next year. I think i'm gonna' try my best to shut that idea out of my mind and just live life .. and if we do end up dying, then i guess let it be? Um, SO YEAH. It was my birthday YESTERDAY. January 3. I am now 20 YEARS OLD!!! YAAAAY. One more year 'til i'm legal to drink. NOW THAT'S A TOTAL MINDFUCK. That's kinda' scary... Time really goes by very super quickly. 'cause i remember creating this blog when i was 13. And now i'm suddenly 20. So that means i've had this xanga for 7 years. And if i re-read all of my annoying posts over the year, i'll be able to see the changes in my life. Or... rather, the consistencies? haha. KINDA' WEIRD! It really is weird. I was hoping for a nice celebration. I was hoping to go out somewhere and visit someplace new. But.. it didn't happen 'cause it was raining on this day. It stopped during the evening, so the most i could do was just go out to dinner. Also, i felt no motivation to go out 'cause so many people were busy on this day. It was a monday, boyfriend had work, friends went back to school, and other friends were just MIA. So i got lazy at the end and ended up sleeping in. But in the evening, i went out with boyfriend and best friend Hangelic (not Pamela, the traitor). And i ended up dining in a very expensive restaurant... and spent around 96 bucks just over dinner. Not a surprise. It was a freaking nice restaurant. And the food was very tasty. And 96 bucks, yeah that's definitely a shitload. All the Christmas money and birthday money i received all went down the drain that one night. haha well just kidding. But ... even though the prices were mind-boggling for me, i told myself that it's alright... because I'm not one to dine in expensive places very often. In fact, I'm the type of person that goes to the same place every time. So... visiting an Italian restaurant (called Mi Piace) was definitely something NEW.. and a new experience! It was nice. So... a once in a while thing... so paying 96 didn't bug me. =) So i had dinner and walked around a nice area and then hung out at Hangelic's place for a while. Ended up getting home at 1:30AM and knocked out right away.... I wanted to play ps3 .. but... i really couldn't stay up. Why? Well, let's just say... my belly was too filled with a certain liquid that made me seriously delirious.  More than usual... HAHA but I told myself it was okay too 'cause... i don't usually let loose like that. It was only on that day that I decided to go a little overboard. Not too overboard, but i passed my usual limits. So i'm quite satisfied with the night. Maybe i'll do some REAL celebrating later on in the week with my loved ones, or maybe not. Chances are, it won't happen though. Uuuuhhh, other than that, it's still been the same. I finished Fall Semester and I'm not taking Winter Classes because #1, the classes were already full by the time i registered, and #2, i'm just way too fuckin' lazy to add classes. And i don't want the stress either. It's just gonna' make me cry lol. But yeah, no new news. I'm getting fatter lol. I have no job. I have no school. And I'm just wasting away as usual. I enjoy my life though 'cause it's filled with a LOOOOOT of Manga, Anime, and Video Games.  So yeah, many will and HAVE said that i'm wasting away due to my pathetic lifestyle but... hey, i'm HAPPY. I'm happy with how i spend my days... i'm happy with these "boring activities" that people call it... so i guess there's no problem as long as I, myself, am satisfied! In terms of what i'm majoring in, I'm still trying so hard to forget about it. That's probably why i'm heavily drowning myself in entertainment stuff (video games, etc). It's obvious... It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to figure out why i'm behaving this way. I wanna' keep running from reality, that's why. And i do so through video games or manga. It's that... "perfect world" that i get to experience since real life is too difficult. But... eventually, i'll hit a stop and i'll have to face it sooner or later. I just hope that when that time comes, I'll be..... stable? I'll have to update soon. This was just on a super whim. But it's to let you know that I'm still here. And a lot really hasn't changed. I really, really really really really really needa' start updating soon. But... it's not like people read this. Do they? People are all over blogspot and facebook now. I think xangas are obsolete? That makes me sad. Xanga was like.. the thing back then. TOO BAD. Xanga's still cool in my book.  | | |
| My readers!!! I am so very sorry about not updating my shit lately. Haha maybe none of you guys care but anyway. I'll update soon. I WILL. I NEED TO. LOL SERIOUSLY! The purpose of this quick blog is to advertise... haha xD ATTENTION!!! SUPER DEVOTED READERS Does anyone out there enjoy reading long fan-fics? How about reading one based off of the popular game: Silent Hill? If any of you enjoy reading on your leisure time, please check out my brother's very own fan-fic from this website - http://silenthill.deleted-scenes.com/ -- The title ...of his story is called, "Silent Hill: A Legacy of Sorrow". I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks! ♥ | | |
| Haha well... my first year of REAL COLLEGE is gonna' be starting this week now. Man. Time really does whiz by these days. Already it's time for me to ... stop staying up so late... sleeping at 7am and then waking up at 4pm. No more of that. No more reading manga late at night. No more watching anime late at night. No more playing video/computer games late at night. Omg... i have to start studying... Goodbye lazy life. Hello workaholic. Let's see. haha There's no guarantee that I'll be all worker-bee this year. But I'm hoping that I will be. After a year of not really being in school, I'm looking foward to actually exercising my brain again. Like... SERIOUSLY. I had a year of not being productive and i actually got tired of it!!! Anyway, I'm excited alright. But... a little nervous. 'Cause now i have to make up my mind about my career choice.... Is nursing for me? Or should I take a different step and head into Law Enforcement, perhaps... FBI stuff? LOL! Nursing to FBI. Omg.. something's wrong with me. haha. well I don't know. We'll see. There's just too much to choose from and I have no idea what the fizzle I should do. Or WANT to do for that matter. I don't want to end up studying for some course and then discovering in the end that I didn't like it. That's kind of why I'm indecisive at the moment. But I'll let you guys know if I'm seriously heading into that FBI stuff =P. So freaking random. But I think the thought of that excites me. You know? Being part of the action and stuff.... idk. Maybe that's the boy in me talking. Anyway, school this week. I have classes Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Two classes tuesday, 3 classes thursday, and one class friday. So ... hopefully this schedule of mine will be alright. My fellow readers, I love you. I really love you for reading. Thank you. =) And i hope i have a swell time this week! | | |
| I don't want to say much about updates. There's something in particular I want to get out so I'll make the update quick. -- The weekend that just passed was our Church's annual church camp. It was a lot of fun. Short, very quick, but it was an inspiration listening to the adults' stories about their own lives. Their.... dilemmas were interesting to hear. -- I have no idea who cares about this, but remember how 2010 was my first year of college? Remember it wasn't exactly how I hoped it'd be because I couldn't get any classes because of the GREAT AMOUNT OF STUDENTS COMING IN and the scarce amount of teachers and classrooms, etc.? Yeah. My first year in college.... I had only finished TWO classes! 2 classes only -- English (if you guys remember that time last August) and then History (which I just finished up just this summer). And that was a huge waste because I should have finished up at least 8 classes by now (4 for fall semester and 4 for spring, but it ended up being 1 for fall and 1 for spring). Yeah, at this time, I lost all hope of being successful because I didn't have priority registration date and I figured that... my rate in college would be one class per semester (finishing up only 2 classes each year). But... dude. By the grace of God, I was finally, FINALLY able to get a full load -- 12 units -- 4 classes. I ... FINALLY got a full-load of classes. I declare that I will be a full-time student for 2011. HELL FUCKING YEAH. I don't care if you don't know me or even care about me but, PLEASE DRINK TO THAT. PLEASE PARTY TO THAT! Because I was completely in the dumps with college. No inspiration, no motivation, no caring about it. But after waiting for a year, my goodness, I was SURPRISINGLY able to get classes. So please... thank God in your own time for gracing me with such a blessing because it's.. just so amazing. Oh if you're wondering, the classes I have are: Music appreciation, psychology, sociology, and philosophy. So.. I'm finally going to be busy. -_- Now.... it's time for the whole reason of my blogging.
Have you ever gotten kicked in the face?
It fuckin' hurts huh?
Well, I got kicked in the face too.
And by this, I'm talking figuratively.
Haha.... I had a pretty intense weekend. The weekend that just passed was our church camp, right? Yeaaah well, I had a lot of fun! xD It was nice to be away from home for a bit and to chill in the mountains. But... as we were heading to the campsite, I had a heavy heart. Actually, for years now, I've been carrying a huge burden on my shoulders and I haven't quite been able to let go of it yet. It's partly because I seriously, seriously cannot help it. It's just something that I can't control and I just have to cling to it. But... it's mostly because I don't want to let go. Enduring this, experiencing this... this situation has been one of the best experiences in my life. In fact, this was the only thing that caused me to feel like I was truly alive in this world upon realizing its reality. Nothing ever made me feel like I was conscious of my own existence until this situation came along. And for that, I will always cherish this memory. I learned the power of emotions because of this and it has been a blessing. But..... it has also been very painful for me. Super stressful, super confusing, and super hurtful. It is pathetic from an outsider's point of view because I already know the solution to the problem. I already know the solution! It's been written in stone. I know what to do. But I'm just not doing it. Why? Like I said, it's something I will always cherish, but at the same time, hurting me. AND I cling because I'm hopeful. (Forgive me everyone, this blog probably won't make much sense to you because I'm not sharing the whole story, but please read anyway). I hold on because as long as there's that TINY TINY possibility of *my desire happening*, it's enough hope to keep me going until I'm completely shot down! It's the same for anyone! You could be going through the worst shit ever, but as long as there's that teensy bit of hope, it's enough to keep you lasting until you wither away. And that is what I'm waiting for. That's what I've BEEN waiting for. All these years, I've just been enjoying myself. I've been enjoying in my situation and even though I encountered a few road blocks, I (seemingly) broke it halfway and just ignored the rest. Certain circumstances were never really clear so I was able to create my own justifications and just move on. Or more like, just shoo it away for a while. So there I've been..... just living life, dealing with it to the best of my abilities and kind of... being fake. Pretending the whole time. Two-faced. Genuinely happy, but disgustingly deceiving. Until the weekend that just passed happened. I was knocked out.
Flat out, I lost the battle that I hoped I'd win. And it wasn't even just because of the lectures and group meetings during the church camp, it was just the whole weekend in general. I had so much time to think to myself that the truth was slowly settling in and not just my own justifications anymore. And then that one person came along -- I watched them closely and throughout the weekend, their words and decisions affected me. And then suddenly, I came to a stop. I was running the bad race and then got kicked in the face. Reality, the reality that I KNEW I'd eventually face finally hit me. That teensy hope that I had shattered and I reached THE END of the tunnel that I knew I'd reach. Even though I prayed for the impossible, I still lost. I. Still. Lost. And it was a bad loss. I already knew the situation would never heal -- I was only waiting on time. And time finally passed. SHIT. Shit!!!!! So here I am now... gravely hurt. Kicked in the face and now I'm lying down with no courage to stand up. I didn't want this to happen. I was in denial of me losing, but I lost, and now I'm shocked as hell. Even though I knew it already, experiencing it is still paralyzing. And I don't like the pain that's resulting from this. I will break down soon. Later when I sleep, I plan to break down. (lol this is so lame, "I plan to cry later" hahaha) Now that the weekend is over, I finally have time to myself to .... completely soak in the truth. I am so hurt by this! And there's no one to blame! That's what I want people to understand. It's nobody's fault. It's just one of those things in life that just don't go your way and it's something you have to learn to deal with. And it's rough on me, man. It's frustrating to feel. And I feel like I want to be an asshole. Out of the frustration, I want to be an asshole to everyone. It's like, "Fuck, man! This problem is going to shits and I'm fucking pissed off! What are YOU staring at?!" Make myself feel better through rage. Haha. So classic of me. So um, err... if I'm a bitch these next couple of months, please forgive me. It's just my mourning phase. hahah! Because I get the picture now. I get it. And that kick in the face is what I needed. So that maybe I can finally let go? There are some things that will NEVER change. I know that for a fact! Some things have been set in stone already and there's no way of changing it. But... I guess I can finally have some peace of mind knowing that I don't have to hold on anymore to that hope because that hope doesn't exist. If my feelings begin to stir and I end up faltering in my position, I hope that I can try to remember this painful kick in the face so that I can regain my composure. Because I'm hella' anticipating faltering. I need to remember all the bad times and grow a bitter heart so that I can move on. Hhaha! That's not the way to do it, huh? It's not that I wanna' be bitter though. I just needa' find a way to make myself feel like shit so I don't grow weak. Tell myself, "Hey Helene! What are you doing? Why are you being nice to this-and-that? Remember what they did to you? So-and-so pulled a bitch move on you. So-and-so doesn't deserve your kindness. Remember the pain from their hurtful actions?" OMG! If i put it this way, it sounds like the Devil's talking to me! O_O But I feel like being harsh that way is the only way for me to feel motivated enough to stand my ground. Because then it's like, "Oh hell no. I'm not gonna' let this shit happen again." Maybe it'll work. I don't know. Fuck. I'm a freaking pussy. I'm a softy!! I get weak in the knees and I end up being nice anyway. Shit. Bet you that'll happen. Haha I'll let you know later on if that happens. It'll be a real treat for you guys, I'll bet. Right now, I sound so victorious and... and firm!! But later on, I'll be blogging again, "Ay guys... remember that time I was kicked in the face and I said I'd kick back in my own way?  Well guess what, I lost my balls and ended up setting myself for a kick in the face AGAIN  ." Oh shit. T_T FAIL!!!! Thank you for listening...er....reading. I'm trying so hard not to think about it but.. I think I need to face it already. It's just.. it's really hard on me, ya' know? I never wanted it to come to this and now that I'm here, I'm... I'm stuck. And I'm not sure how to react to it. But it's okay. It's entirely okay. Because this is how it SHOULD be. | | |
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